Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia
Dwarves' Tour Diary, Part 1

Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia: The Dwarves in Hamburg, Germany - photo by Tracey Greene March 1- The DWARVES arrive in Amsterdam.

A crowd of 3,000 rabid fans, mostly teenage girls who have been given the day off from school, greet us at Schipol airport in the Netherlands. Bassist CLINT TORRES breaks the ice by being fellated in an airport bathroom after we learn that all of our luggage and equipment have been diverted to Kahzakstan. Guitarist HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED disappears after checking into the hotel, visions of the Red Light District dancing underneath his wrestling mask. He returns 46 hours later, bloody but unbowed and already owing the tour 450 Euros. Since we can’t figure out the conversion rate no one cares. Vocalist BLAG THE RIPPER swallows 3 grams of hashish and is awakened 2 days later in time for the first show.

March 3- Groningen, Netherlands Vera Club

First conquered by the DWARVES in 1992 with the SUPERSUCKERS and REV. HORTON HEAT, sleepy little Groningen has long been a Dwarves stronghold. We meet up with our Tour Manager THEE SEETZ, a lovable Dutchmen with a Fu Manchu beard and a habit of taking 5 minutes to say things like, “There is Coca Cola in the dressing room for you.” We are introduced to our ‘equipment’ which looks like it was last used by WOODY HERMAN and his THUNDERING HERD on a 1946 USO Tour of Occupied Europe. We hatch the scheme of selling whatever gear we haven’t destroyed by the end of the tour as antiques through E-Bay.

The crowd is enormous and the entire street is cordoned off by worried police. HEWHO is so taken with the scene that he beats the promoter over the head with his guitar in an international sign signifying- “I’m disturbed. “ Drummer WRECK TOM molests Dutch fetish triplets THE DEN BOSCH SISTERS in a utility closet. Guitarist THE FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS overdoses on Jenever shots backed with Beerenburg chasers and subsequently requires over night hospitalization. He is subsequently certified by the Dutch Embassy as a girl-drink drunk.

March 6- Koln, Germany Prime Club

HEWHO is attacked outside of the club for painting a swastika on his naked body and parading around on the street. Later it is explained to him that ‘Cologne’ is in Germany not France and he issues an apology through the Public Relations Firm SKULLDUGGERY SERVICES of London, England. Unfortunately head Skulldugger RUSSELL ALDRITCH confuses Holland with Denmark and sends it to the Danish government, who don’t care. We move on to Bielefeld where we take over the airwaves at HERTZ 87.9 with DJ STEFFI ‘Bite Marks’ MASHMANN.

March 10 Stockholm, Sweden Debaser Club

BLAG THE RIPPER’s diet of two Nordic princesses a day has begun to take its toll. Enormous sores begin to break out on my penis, but I explain to the girls that it is now ‘ribbed for their pleasure’ and the orgy continues. Filmmaker LLOYD NICKELL obtains footage of HEWHO and the FRESH POD cavorting with a transvestite at the gay themed motel we stayed at in Copenhagen the day before. TOM and CLINT double team a tattooed, pierced, dreadlocked ‘goat woman’ wearing a wolfskin with ancient runes branded on it. DWARVES icon VADGE MOORE wires his approval from his new home in Appalachia as we hit our stride of debauchery.

March 12 Lund, Sweden Mejeriet Club

Before the show we stop by to visit with our booking agents at THE AGENCY GROUP. TOBBE is out of town, but his gaggle of female assistants ratchets the level of sexual harassment up to unheard of heights. Sure, the DWARVES are international rock legends, and we’re used to being objectified by our female fans, but we never expected to see INGA, ELVA and MILKA sprawled out naked on a reindeer skin rug offering us enormous Viking goblets full of a strange vodka and meatball concoction.

After explaining that it was traditional in Sweden to exchange sex partners every half an hour we sprang into action, but my Catholic upbringing started to kick in after the third time they rang the little bell and yelled ‘switch!’ We finally explained to the insatiable Scandinavians that we were much too fixated on commercial success to indulge in these types of shenanigans on company time. We did accept their offer of pedicures and a Swedish massage though, and the girls were thoroughly professional until after the show when intern YOLANDA showed off a series of pornographic art pieces she had made on the company Xerox machine. It must be the Socialism!

Our driver HANS contented himself with rooting through the luggage of our merchandise authority MISTRESS ROMY and sniffing her used thongs. When ROMY found out she released her German Shepherd dog EVIL BITCH 666 and the next 10 minutes can best be described as ‘hilarious’, except by HANS who just whimpered a lot and then got himself a coffee.

March 14 Hamburg, Germany Grunspan Club

Germany is a rock ‘n’ roll country. Starting with our hotel which featured high-spirited workmen pounding hammers and yodeling at 7am, all the way to the late night stench of harlots on the rancid Rheeperbon the Fatherland oozed with love for the Dwarves. HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED and the FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS drank enough to kill a small army, hopefully the Swiss one for reasons that become clear later. Opening band the SIN CITY CIRCUS LADIES combine music, transvestism and good old-fashioned perversion and by the time we took the stage there wasn’t a dry seat in the house. WRECK TOM and CLINT TORRES show early signs of jaundice, hepatitis, gingivitis, whooping cough, scleroderma and Epstein-Barr disease. LLOYD NICKELL begins shooting a documentary of local prostitutes tentatively titled “From Hamburg With Bacteria”.

March 15 Berlin, Germany Kato Club

The house is packed tonight and Rock is delivered to Berlin. After two weeks on the road the DWARVES are a well-oiled machine incapable of doing any wrong once we hit the stage. Backstage is a different matter. HEWHO and FPOD are still drunk from the night before and their street conquests of Hamburg have followed them to Berlin like gum under a stinking shoe. When one of them tries to smuggle a pineapple from our fruit plate out of the club to sell on the street an enraged WRECK TOM throws her down the stairs covering her ample Teutonic bosom in fruit juice.

At this point we’ve eaten more cheese and ham than STAR JONES at an all night Subway Sandwich shop. We’ve consumed more alcohol than the TWELVE APOSTLES, more opiates than LOU REED, more ecstasy than the 1995 CALIFORNIA COLLEGE OF ARTS AND CRAFTS GRADUATING CLASS and still we manage to smile and remember our one-minute, two chord change songs. CLINT TORRES turns down a gig with Germanic Rock Juggernaut RAMMSTEIN when he is told to shave his eyebrows and play accordion. After the show I drink mead and watch smurf cartoons with teen-age squatters who have started a religious cult in my honor called BLAGAMEL.

Stay tuned for part 2 of The Dwarves' Tour Diary! HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED, the FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS, WRECK TOM, CLINT TORRES and me, BLAG THE RIPPER can be found destroying venues and stereo speakers all across the world. Check for more wacky adventures, songs, stories and lies from the only band left- THE DWARVES!