Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia
Dwarves' US Tour Diary, Part 2

Sun/Nov-06 Orlando, FL Will's Pub

Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia Florida is my favorite state. The ass end of America is where weíll all wind up, nursing punk induced bursitis and bitching about ďthese kids today.Ē One of them had brand new skull & boners tattoo on her right forearm, which made me proud. Iíd never get one, but hey, I never fucked a 5 year old either. Iím just glad to get paid for singing about it. Clint was voted cutest Dwarf by 3 drunken girls well over 30. I spend the rest of the night pouting and planning my revenge by instituting the ďno Zeppelin while driving rule.Ē

Mon/Nov-07 Tampa, FL State Theatre

Brilliant! The kids destroyed the barricade and the cute little English promoter almost had a heart attack. Fresh Prince insisted we get paid anyway. Turbo ACs set the standard for advanced hair care in our time. I decide to grow mine out again, but remember that I look like a Vietnam Vet. A girl shows up who gave me a hand job in 1989. I thank her again and present her with a dry cleaning bill. HeWhoCanNotBeNamed stars in his first film: ďTo Sleep With Vomit.Ē Wreck Tom eats his weight in grape Nerds.

Tue/Nov-08 Atlanta, GA Masquerade

My dreams of an interracial threesome are dashed as I opt instead for late night French fries. Am I getting too old for this business? Wanted Dead go for the world record in ball slapping, ass grabbing and squat house sodomy. Arrested for siphoning gas at a truck stop they leave the tour and decide to sell AmWay products door to door. Fresh Prince of Darkness invents a new beverage: The Depardude-12 parts whiskey, 1/4 part diet coke.

Wed/Nov Spartanburg, SC

Lots of people mock the South for being ignorant, inbred and hopelessly out of touch. Allow me to join them. After being called hippies in the hotel parking lot and chased from the miniature golf course for blaspheming, we play a brilliant set for eight people. The promoter assures me that indoor plumbing is not just a distant dream, but due to arrive in the Carolinas within the decade. In my dreams tonight I receive a blowjob from a toothless woman who claims to be my grandmother. When I tell her that my grandmothers have both been dead for years she laughs and admits to actually being my grandfather. When I cry, dust mites flow like pus through an hourglass. I want your mommy.

Thu/Nov-10 Baltimore, MD Ottobar

Chris X is the Anton LaVey of Fellís Point. His army of devoted Manson Family members cater to our every outlandish whim in the back of his hearse as cocaine and South American Ayuasca flow like fresh spring water from a virginís chaste genitals. We are picketed by angry locals protesting my new book ďNINA,Ē the story of a 15 year old girl who does naughty things with no remorse. Hey, at least it ainít D.C. The Vacancies join the tour, and immediately regret it.

Fri/Nov-11 New York, NY Knitting Factory

New York is a provincial backwater, best known as a place I lived briefly in the 1980s before realizing that California was, how can I put this, better. Starved for entertainment the locals lap up the classic sounds of the Dwarves and savor the mindless violence that punctuates the end of the set. Our agent Jeremy explains to us later that violence is only good if you win. An after hours party in the Village confirms our status as the best and only band ever. The lovely and talented Joan Jett is in attendance and is seen taking notes on my dynamic stage presence and smooth patter with the truckload of eager babes who hang on my every syllable. Do you wanna touch?

Sat/Nov-12 Providence, RI The Living Room

More violence as HeWho discovers the joys of domestic abuse with someone you donít know yet. The Providence police take a cue from Abbott and Costello and the charges eventually dropped, for lack of evidence. One of our cover models shows up bearing natural breasts so huge Iím tempted to give up rock for dairy farming. She narrates a recent lesbian experience and my bulge threatens to engulf the entire state of Rhode Island. HeWho ends the evening by mating with a girl on her period. Our Grammy for Most Disgusting Bunch of Deluded Buffoons is in the bag, unless Creed is nominated again.

Sun/Nov-13 Cambridge, MA Middle East

Boston loves the Dwarves where we are often mistaken for local heroes the Dropkick Murphys, although we arenít Irish and canít stand Boston. The Vacancies are horrified, but intrigued by Indian food which later causes them to destroy all the toilets in a 5 block radius. A local Catholic bishop protests the show charging us with encouraging sex with young girls to the exclusion of sex with young boys. We assure him that HeWho will do just about anything and a tentative agreement is reached. Turbo ACís Kevin Cole made an official Bostonian with the purchase of 3 bags of Pepperidge Farm (pronounced Peppridge Fahm) butter cookies.

Mon/Nov-14 Buffalo, NY The Ikon

Buffalo is a silly place