Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia
Dwarves' US Tour Diary, Part 3

Nothing But Hits! with Blag DahliaTue/Nov-15 Cleveland, OH Grog Shop

A Mohawk, a pair of breasts, a regrettable incident – these are a few of my favorite things. No one is talking to HeWho anymore. If only we could get him to stop talking to us. The promoter is cute and I insist that she masturbate while listening to our music. Meanwhile a row of local shitkickers set up a human barrier between the crowd and us. Surrounded by sweaty dudes in ball caps I flash back to my youth in Illinois. Lloyd makes a dressing room porno that could double as an educational film on mating grizzlies.

Wed/Nov-16 Columbus, OH Little Brothers

Rachel is in love with the redoubtable Paul Bearer: raconteur, junkie, Semite. We convince her to stay on the tour by increasing her salary from bupkiss to nada. We play brilliantly and I’m besieged by screaming females who look like they wandered in from the local sports bar. The owner tries to explain at the end of the night that due to the law of diminishing returns we shouldn’t get paid because there were too many people in attendance. Threats and screaming get us our money and lose any shred of self respect we might pretend to have.

Thu/Nov-17 Detroit, MI Magic Stick

Being unattractive is a basic part of Detroit, like frowning a lot and tolerating the White Stripes. We are promised bad food and freezing cold and the city does not disappoint. Five cute girls come dressed in shirts that say, “Recognize the Sluts, Dwarves.” We do. Brilliant artist Niagara showed up to worship at the altar of the Dwarves. Wreck Tom recruited for first annual WWE Percussion Smackdown. Clint Torres flew to the show, got a different hotel and his own dressing room. We drew the line when he insisted on playing a different stage in a different theater.

Fri/Nov-18 Chicago, IL Logan Square Auditorium

We came, we saw, we came again and wiped it on a curtain. Returning to Chicago for me is like Fellini returning to Rome, but without all the ‘Art.’ I’m assaulted by fire eaters, stewardesses and hair dresser’s assistants in the city that works. Memories of a Highland Park childhood waft through my brain. I was a teenage drug dealer, vandal and pervert, but you probably assumed that already. What you didn’t know was that in high school, I set the Illinois state record for running the 100-yard dash, high hurdles and shot put. I also got 1900 on the SAT and date raped our Prom Queen. It’s all in my autobiography- “More Grandiose Bullshit from Blag Insert Fake Name Here.”

Sat/Nov-19 St. Louis, MO Creepy Crawl

Fresh Prince of Darkness arrested for exposing himself to an Orthodox rabbi outside of Schlotzsky’s Deli. He is later released after explaining that he thought it was a kielbasa. Clint Torres’ nominated for Marcia Brady ‘100 strokes before bed’ award for outstanding hair. Jealousy erupts when the Turbo AC’s hear that their hair didn’t make the cut. Wreck Tom sets record for most NERDS eaten in 15 minutes while listening to AM Sports Radio. How about that TO, huh?

Sun/Nov-20 Kansas City, MO El Torreon

“Going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come.” Or so the song goes. We didn’t come at all. A squat house transient stole my gloves, though and her boyfriend tried to talk to me about punk. I didn’t listen. The venue had a huge ballroom upstairs, but again, there was no balling. Obese women ruled the night and I considered renting a bulldozer to toss them offstage. Maybe if a slathered my penis in Bar-B-Q sauce.

Mon/Nov-21 Denver, CO Bluebird

Ah, the Aryan princesses of Colorado with their loose morals and outdoorsy bodies. If I knew how to snowboard I might move here, but instead I’ll just content myself with afflicting their superior gene pool with Mediterranean ejaculate and making snide remarks once a year. HeWhoCanNotBeNamed acquires a Mexican prostitute, but still gets porno movies at the hotel. Lloyd’s arrested for impersonating a houseplant, Rachel for impersonating a Biafran child. We get Moroccan food and watch belly dancers balance swords on their flawless booties. The lives of Rock Legends have their perks.

Stay tuned for part 4