Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia
Dwarves' Tour Diary, Part 2

March 16 Zurich Switzerland

This press release tells the story of our Swiss adventures better than I ever could. It is here reprinted in its entirety:

The World's Most Dangerous Band, The Dwarves Arrested in Switzerland on March 16th.

What should have been a routine passport check at the German/Swiss border to enter non-EC and supposedly neutral Switzerland ended in a serious confrontation followed by arrests at gunpoint. Swiss border police decided to do a thorough search of the bus and instantly took offence to the artwork of the Dwarves current album, "The Dwarves Must Die."

The cover shows a real dwarf nailed to a wooden cross surrounded by three grieving ladies, who just happen to be naked. Already fuming at the blasphemous cover, upon further inspection they were horrified to see the inside artwork.

The border police then confiscated all the CDs and Dwarves merchandise. This sparked a furious debate which erupted into a violent confrontation. Dwarves drummer Wreck Tom later said "The motherfuckers pulled guns on us!"

The band were handcuffed at gunpoint and subjected to a full cavity search to debase and humiliate them. Guitar terrorist HeWhocannotbenamed was not fazed by this, "The funny thing was they interrupted my poop session, I never got a chance to wipe. I think they came away with more than they bargained for!"

After being held for 4 hours, the band were fined 5000 Euros (£3500) and allowed to leave with their merchandise, though they were not allowed into Switzerland. They had to cancel their show that night and drive back into Germany. Blag stated "We've been banned from the neutral country of Switzerland. Fuck 'em. They had a good yodel up our assholes which resulted in HeWho giving them some Swiss chocolate. We're sorry for the fans that won¹t get to see us, but in a very strange way, we're actually glad to be going back to Germany."

The Dwarves plan to continue their European tour. "The Dwarves Must Die" album has already caused controversy. Late last year Blag was attacked with a bottle at a show in the US as a result of the contents. "The Dwarves Must Die" is available now on Greedy/Sympathy For The Record Industry.

March 19 London, UK Mean Fiddler Club

Back among the English speaking masses, the DWARVES are hailed as rock royalty and we have returned to claim our throne. Every few months the UK press tries to make the world believe they have indigenous music here. The reality is, these limeys are as starved for entertainment as pantomime fans in Borneo or the musical theater buffs of The People's Republic of Tonga. When the Dwarves take the stage the applause rivals the ovation that RICHARD BURTON got for beating up ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

Rumors of our notorious five-minute sets have alarmed the promoters who don't relish giving refunds to what could charitably be called the most unattractive crowd since SEAL's family reunion. Of course, the DWARVES deliver 45 minutes of brutal rock 'n' roll to thunderous crowd approval. We even sell enough merchandise to open a Swiss bank, but think better of it because we hate Switzerland so damn much.

Purely for the sake of DWARVES nostalgia BLAG takes a dose of LSD on a sugar cube. I end the evening in an all night restaurant desperately trying to keep from vomiting as an English girl with a ring in her nose explains how she lives in a squat, but still manages a bi-weekly shower. The Columbia, our alleged rock'n'roll hotel forbids us visitors or smoking privileges. We retaliate by laying an enormous Technicolor turd in the elevator. A rabid fan later scoops it up to be auctioned for charity on E-bay. CLINT TORRES and WRECK TOM manage to get in two sets at Wimbledon before being arrested for impersonating an athlete.

March 21 London UK BBC Radio 1 Lock Up Show

Can anyone rock and roll at 10am on a Monday? Fuck it, the DWARVES have been invited to join the hallowed ranks of visitors to the BBC and nothing on Earth could stop us from delivering the goods. Our engineers SIMON and NICK have huge sounds in no time and the historic recording begins. Everyone is sober, coherent and enthusiastic. I wonder what these imposters have done with my band. One hour later we listen back to DOMINATOR, SALT LAKE CITY, LIKE YOU WANT, ANOTHER CLASSIC and ASTROBOY and we marvel at our technical proficiency, our exemplary professionalism and our good looks, clearly discernable even over the radio. With the ghost of JOHN PEEL looking on, MIKE DAVIS gave Great Britain what it so desperately needs right now- DWARVES over the airwaves.

Picture and links for the session
Tracklisting for the whole show
And listen back to the show facility + 'Another Classic/ Astroboy' on

March 23 Manchester, UK Academy 3

The Manchester crowd is on fire from the first song. Topless women fling undergarments at us as their boyfriends scream along to every word, even the ones I don't know. We truly are the best band in the world tonight, and promoters start to salivate at the prospect of long awaited LEEDS and READING festival shows from the DWARVES. HEWHO and the FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS mate with two English girls so wide they are mistaken for a double-decker bus. Meanwhile, my Johnson has been handled so much it's starting to look like what passes for food in this country. The best UK show we've ever had started with HANS, our driver being shot. I don't want to say who did it, because I don't want to be convicted of manslaughter. Needless to say we haven't so much lost a roadie, as gained another seat in the van.

March 24 Amsterdam, Netherlands Melkweg

The Netherlands is a wonderland of drug abuse and bizarre sexual behavior. That's why we like it. The SEETZ, after assuring us it was only a few hours to Amsterdam from the UK pulls us up in front of the venue after an all night drive just minutes before show time. Fortunately, the GOOD LORD invented cocaine. We might not have played well, but we did play and fortunately Europeans can't tell the difference. Sure, the tour made us richer and more famous than ever before, but more importantly we proved once again that it's easy to hate a bunch of Americans who are loud and retarded.


HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED, the FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS, WRECK TOM, CLINT TORRES and me, BLAG THE RIPPER can be found destroying venues and stereo speakers all across the world. Check www.thedwarves.com for more wacky adventures, songs, stories and lies from the only band left- THE DWARVES!