Nothing But Hits! with Blag Dahlia
Dwarves' US Tour Diary, Part 1

THE CAST:
Blag Dahlia : Ego
Hewhocannotbenamed : Mayhem
Clint Torres : Media
The Fresh Prince of Darkness : Semitism
Wreck Tom : Indigenous
Rex Everything : Methamphetamine
SUPPORTING CAST:
Lloyd FEAG : Silence
Rachel Hunt : Fakir
Turbo Acs : Hair Gel
Wanted Dead : Scabies
The Vacancies : Emo


Sat/Oct-29 Long Beach, CA The Briggs

If there’s anything better than teenage girls from the suburbs of Los Angeles I haven’t been exposed to it yet. Braces and clean white tennis dresses crossed with alcohol and cheap tattoo parlors equals God Bless The OC. Szandora danced topless with a hula hoop and me, well I got a boner. Turbo ACs discover the largest pair of breasts since Jane Mansfield had her head removed. Orange County, you had your pick of ancient punk bands kids and you chose the best.

Sun/Oct-30 Phoenix, AZ The Clubhouse

Some girls masturbate to photos of the Dwarves and some girls don’t. A free subscription to Teen People if you can figure out which group I prefer. Also, cocaine.

Mon/Oct-31 Albuquerque, NM Launchpad

A city where there are five cops assigned to every public toilet just has to be perfect for a Dwarves Halloween. A girl who escaped New Orleans with a bag of stolen pills offered me a massage and donated her wallet to me. It contained six dollars and a used condom. A chubby tart with a law degree offered us half of Peru. Wreck Tom arrested for driving while short.

Tue/Nov-01 Oklahoma City, OK Green Door

Ten year old attacked by Wanted Dead for insinuating that they couldn’t sing. Later immortalized in their classic tune “Fucking Kid!” Lloyd mobbed by wannabe starlets looking to be cast in his next film- “Misogyny -- the Musical.” Alcohol poisoning makes HeWhoCanNotBeNamed anything but a dull boy.

Wed/Nov-02 Austin, TX Emo's

How many times will you believe the “I just came back to your hotel to talk” story? Clint didn’t either, so he shot her. Rachel hung by her nipples until someone bought a copy of “Metrosexual”. They later returned it. I am blown by 2 Mexican sisters who ask that I smuggle them back to Juarez in my pants. Unfortunately, they are too tight. The girls I mean.

Thu/Nov-03 Dallas,TX Galaxy Club

Promoter insists that he’s never smoked pot. I suggest it might make him smarter if anything can. Fresh Prince banished to van for snoring and muttering about black girls in his sleep. Clint accepts a gig with Dennis Quaid and the Sharks as 3rd alto harmonica. Rex threatens to sleep, but passes out first.

Fri/Nov-04 Houston, TX Engine Room

Rex quits tour after insisting that the billing be changed to- “Rex Everything, formerly of Mondo Generator and Kyuss, appearing with The Dwarves.” Returns to Palm Springs where he will continue to be billed as “psychotic.” Angry members of PETA picket show over HeWhoCanNotBeNamed ferret fucking incident. Fresh Prince reprimanded for ‘displaying’ in hotel parking lot.

Sat/Nov-05 OFF

Best day of the tour.


HEWHOCANNOTBENAMED, the FRESH PRINCE OF DARKNESS, WRECK TOM, CLINT TORRES and me, BLAG THE RIPPER can be found destroying venues and stereo speakers all across the world. Check www.thedwarves.com for more wacky adventures, songs, stories and lies from the only band left- THE DWARVES!